A comment from your partner at the wrong moment, someone pushing in front of you in the supermarket queue, a colleague interrupting you for the third time in the same meeting. And you snap: you raise your voice, say something you do not mean or slam a door. Ten minutes later come the embarrassment and the promise that it will not happen again. Until the next time.

Getting angry is human. What leads people to search for how to control anger is something else: the feeling that the anger moves faster than you do, and that it is starting to cost you relationships, work or peace of mind. This guide explains where it comes from, what works to stop it in the moment and in the long run, what does not work even though it seems to, and when it is a good idea to work on it in therapy.

What anger is, and why it is not the enemy

Anger is a normal emotion. According to healthdirect, the Australian Government's health information service, it appears when something seems unfair to us or we feel threatened, it ranges from mild annoyance to intense rage and, channelled well, it can be useful: it pushes us to change what is not working. The same source is clear that anger on its own is not a mental health condition.

The NHS lists some of the most common triggers: being treated unfairly and feeling powerless to do anything about it, feeling threatened or attacked, other people not respecting your feelings or your property, and being interrupted when you are trying to achieve something. If you recognised yourself in the meeting at the start, there is the fourth one.

That is why the goal is not to stop getting angry, which is neither possible nor healthy, but to stop anger making the decisions for you. Programmes that teach you to control anger do not try to erase the emotion; they change what you do with it.

What happens in your body when you get angry

When you get angry, your body releases adrenaline and noradrenaline, the fight-or-flight response, and your heart rate and blood pressure go up. You feel it as heat in your face, sweating, tense muscles, pressure in your head, a pounding heart and faster breathing. The NHS adds clenching your fists and tightness in your chest. In your head come tension, being unable to relax, getting irritated easily, feeling humiliated and resenting other people.

These signs matter because they arrive before the words do. Learning to recognise them is the first step towards stopping in time, while it is still easy to do.

The anger nobody sees

Not everyone shouts. The NHS points out that some people hide their anger and end up taking it out on themselves, and among the behaviours linked to anger it includes shouting, starting fights or breaking things, but also ignoring people, sulking in silence or self-harming. If your anger turns inwards and thoughts of harming yourself appear, that is dealt with today: in Spain there is the 024 helpline, free, confidential and available 24 hours a day; elsewhere, contact your local emergency services.

Why some people find it harder to control anger

Whether the same comment washes over you one day and sets you off the next depends on several things. The NHS highlights four:

  • What you are going through right now. With lots of problems or a lot of stress, it is harder to hold back.
  • What you learned at home. As a child you pick up, for better or worse, the ways the adults around you deal with anger.
  • What you have lived through. People who go through traumatic experiences can develop post-traumatic stress disorder, which can lead to angry outbursts. We explain it in PTSD: symptoms, when to get help and which treatments work.
  • Alcohol and other drugs, which make some people more aggressive than usual.

Healthdirect adds that feeling anxious, resentful or overwhelmed makes anger more likely, and that some mental health conditions, such as depression or bipolar disorder, are linked to more anger. If the irritability is new and comes with low mood, it may be part of depression: the Depression Test includes a question about being irritable and snapping over small things. If there are spells of irritability or euphoria that do not feel like you, look at the Bipolar Disorder Test, and if the background is overload, the Stress Test.

Signs that your anger is getting out of hand

Healthdirect suggests five questions to find out whether you have an anger problem:

  • Has anger caused problems in your relationships or at work?
  • Do you sometimes have trouble controlling what you do when you are angry?
  • Have you ever regretted something you did while angry?
  • Have you ever damaged things or become aggressive or violent?
  • Have other people told you that anger might be a problem for you?

If you answer yes to any of them, the advice is to talk to a doctor or a mental health professional.

How to control anger in the moment

Everything that works in the heat of the moment has one thing in common: acting before the point at which the anger can no longer be stopped.

Spot the first signs

The NHS recommends practising mindfulness precisely for this, so that you notice when you start to get angry and can calm down as early as possible. Look out for your own version: a clenched jaw, heat in your face, your fists, the urge to interrupt. The sooner you spot it, the more room you have.

Step out of the situation for a moment

Healthdirect calls it time out: stepping away and giving yourself space. It is enough to say something like "I need to take a break, I will come back in half an hour". It is not running away from the conversation; it is postponing it until you can have it. It helps to have talked about this beforehand, calmly, with the people you argue with most, so they know you will come back.

Bring your body's arousal down

Slow breathing is the simplest tool. Healthdirect suggests five long, deep breaths, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath, while relaxing your muscles, and the NHS suggests counting to ten and doing calming breathing exercises. These are not magazine tricks. A meta-analysis published in 2024 in Clinical Psychology Review, covering 154 studies and more than 10,000 participants, concluded that activities that decrease arousal, such as deep breathing, mindfulness or meditation, reduce anger and aggression, and that the effect held for people of different ages, cultures and backgrounds.

What does not work: venting by hitting something

The same analysis takes apart a widespread idea. Activities that increase arousal, such as hitting a bag, going for a run or cycling, were not effective at reducing anger, and the authors conclude that their data do not support the idea that venting anger works. Punching a cushion or a bag may feel like a release, but according to these data it does not put out the anger. Exercise is still a good idea as a habit to lower your general stress, as the NHS recommends, just not as a safety valve in the middle of an argument.

Alcohol, cigarettes, gambling and drugs do not help you calm down either: the NHS specifically advises against them because they can contribute to poor mental health.

Man breathing slowly with his eyes closed outdoors to calm his anger

How to control anger in the long run

Stopping in the moment is only part of it. What changes things is what you do between one outburst and the next:

  • Identify your triggers. Healthdirect recommends getting to know which situations make you angry so you can avoid them or deal with them differently. Writing down for a few weeks when you snap, with whom and what had happened just before can reveal patterns.
  • Question your interpretation. When you notice the anger, ask yourself whether your reaction fits the situation and whether there is another way of seeing what happened. The NHS suggests self-help cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to manage unhelpful thoughts.
  • Speak in the first person. Saying "I feel ignored when this happens" instead of "you always ignore me" lowers the tension in a conversation, a tip healthdirect also gives.
  • Tell someone outside the situation. The NHS advises talking about what makes you angry with someone who is not involved.
  • Lower your background stress. Walking, swimming or yoga done regularly help you relax and reduce stress, according to the NHS.
  • Take it step by step. Set yourself small, achievable targets instead of trying to change everything at once.

When to get help: anger management therapy

If you have tried all this and you still keep snapping, it is not a lack of willpower. Healthdirect is direct about it: if you have anger problems, psychological support and therapy can help. Therapy teaches you to manage anger in a healthy way, to change how you think in situations that make you angry and to respond differently to what triggers it. It can be done individually, in a group or online.

The most common approaches are based on cognitive behavioural therapy, which helps you spot and challenge the thoughts and behaviours that feed the anger. According to the NHS, most anger management programmes combine this therapy with counselling, mix one-to-one and group sessions, and can last anything from a one-day course to a couple of months. They train relaxation, problem solving and how to communicate in tense situations. We explain how cognitive behavioural therapy works in Cognitive behavioural therapy: what it is, how it works and what it treats.

This is not a minor matter. Healthdirect warns that anger left unmanaged damages relationships and health too, as it is linked to high blood pressure, depression, anxiety and heart problems.

When choosing a professional, the NHS recommends checking that they are registered with a professional body. In Spain, that means the psychologist should be registered and licensed to practise. At MyPsicoTest we recommend Xènia Capel Salcedo, a licensed clinical psychologist (COPC 14982) with a master's degree in Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, who includes emotional regulation among the areas she works on. She sees clients in Igualada and Sant Sadurní d'Anoia and also through online therapy, and the first information call is free. If you have never had therapy by video call, read Online psychologist: how to choose well and what to expect from video-call therapy first.

If anger has already turned into violence

There is a line that changes the conversation. If you have threatened, pushed or broken things in front of your partner or your children, the NHS lists acting in an abusive or violent way among the reasons to seek professional help, and it should not wait. And if you are the one on the receiving end of someone else's anger, in Spain the 016 helpline supports victims of gender-based violence, also on WhatsApp at 600 000 016, and leaves no trace on the phone bill. In any immediate danger, call 112 or your local emergency number.

If your result worries you or you want a professional assessment, you can talk to Xènia Capel Salcedo, a licensed psychologist (COPC reg. 14982), who offers a free first consultation call and online therapy from anywhere.

MyPsicoTest team · Updated: