Emotional Dependency Test: Do I Depend Too Much on My Partner?

Do you feel you are nobody without your partner, live waiting for a message or put up with things you would never accept from anyone else? Emotional dependency is a pattern of extreme emotional need that turns love into fear: fear of being alone, of rejection and of the relationship ending. This test helps you tell a healthy bond from one that is hurting you, in five minutes, with no sign-up and without sending your answers to any server.

What is emotional dependency in a relationship?

Emotional dependency is a persistent pattern of extreme emotional need towards a partner: the person feels unable to live without the relationship, subordinates their wishes and wellbeing to keeping it, and experiences intense fear of loneliness and abandonment. It is not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5-TR or the ICD-11, but it is a construct that has been widely studied in clinical psychology and one of the most common reasons adults seek therapy.

It is worth distinguishing it from healthy love. Every relationship involves some mutual dependence: we need the other person, we miss them and their opinion matters to us. Psychologists call this interdependence: two autonomous people who choose to share their lives and support each other without ceasing to be themselves. In emotional dependency, by contrast, the balance breaks down. The bond is experienced as a need rather than a choice, the fear of losing it outweighs the enjoyment of having it, and the person ends up accepting conditions they would never accept for someone they love.

Emotional dependency is not about loving too much but about valuing yourself too little. It can affect anyone, whatever their gender, age or orientation, and it does not require a particular partner: many people recognise it as a pattern that repeats relationship after relationship.

Signs of emotional dependency: how to tell if you depend on your partner

Emotional dependency shows up in thoughts, emotions and behaviours that tend to repeat across all of a person's relationships. The most characteristic signs are:

Fear of abandonment and loneliness

• Panic at the thought of the relationship ending, even when it is going well.
• Intense distress when your partner does not reply, is late or goes away (separation anxiety).
• Staying in unsatisfying or harmful relationships for fear of being alone.
• Going from one relationship to the next with hardly any time in between.
• Frequent jealousy and controlling behaviour: checking their phone, demanding explanations, monitoring social media.

Need for approval and attention

• Constantly asking for proof of love and guarantees that you will not be left.
• A mood that depends entirely on your partner's attitude.
• Idealisation: seeing your partner as superior and playing down their flaws or mistreatment.
• A sense of emptiness or worthlessness outside the relationship.

Self-subordination and difficulty setting boundaries

• Giving up friends, hobbies, work or family to fit in with your partner.
• Being unable to say no or to disagree for fear of conflict.
• Tolerating humiliation, lies or contempt.
• Repeated failed attempts to end a relationship that hurts.

You do not need to tick every box. What matters is the intensity, the persistence and the suffering these signs cause.

Causes of emotional dependency: anxious attachment, self-esteem and early experiences

There is no single cause. Emotional dependency is understood today as the result of several factors that reinforce one another:

Anxious attachment style

Attachment theory describes how our earliest relationships with caregivers shape an "internal model" of what we can expect from others. When affection was unpredictable (sometimes there, sometimes not), the person learns to stay constantly alert to any sign of rejection. In adult life, this anxious attachment translates into hypervigilance, a need for reassurance and a disproportionate fear of abandonment.

Low self-esteem

Someone who does not feel valuable in their own right looks for that value outside, and the partner becomes the main source of validation. The lower the self-esteem, the harder it is to believe you deserve to be treated well and the easier it is to settle for crumbs of affection.

Early experiences and relationship models

Emotional neglect in childhood, constant criticism, overprotection, bullying, or growing up watching unequal or violent relationships at home all increase vulnerability. Traumatic break-ups and previous relationships with manipulative people can also trigger or worsen the pattern.

On top of these factors come widespread cultural beliefs about romantic love ("I am nothing without you", "love endures all things") that normalise sacrifice and unconditional surrender.

How does this online emotional dependency test work?

This questionnaire consists of 16 statements describing thoughts, emotions and behaviours typical of emotional dependency in relationships. They are grouped into three areas: fear of abandonment and loneliness (six items), need for approval and attention (five items) and self-subordination and boundaries (five items). For each statement you indicate how well it describes you, from "not at all" (0 points) to "completely" (4 points).

Unlike other tests on this site, it does not focus on the last few weeks but on your usual way of relating: answer with your current or past romantic relationships in mind. If you are single right now, think about how you felt in previous relationships or how you tend to react when you fall in love.

At the end you get a total score from 0 to 64 and a breakdown by area showing where your vulnerability is concentrated. The calculation is done entirely in your browser: we do not ask for your name or email and we do not store your answers. Answer honestly; there are no good or bad answers, and recognising a pattern is the first step towards changing it.

How to interpret your emotional dependency test score

Scores are grouped into four indicative levels:

• 0-16 · Low: an emotional bond with a good balance between closeness and autonomy.
• 17-32 · Mild: some dependency traits; worth monitoring while strengthening self-esteem and your own spaces.
• 33-48 · Moderate: pattern consistent with emotional dependency that is probably causing distress; consulting a psychologist is recommended.
• 49-64 · High: intense and probably very limiting dependency; professional help should be a priority, especially if the relationship involves control or abuse.

The breakdown by area is as informative as the total. A high score on fear of abandonment points to anxious attachment and separation anxiety; on need for approval, to self-esteem that rests on your partner's gaze; on self-subordination and boundaries, to difficulty defending your needs and leaving harmful relationships.

Remember that a screening test does not diagnose. A high result means your way of relating resembles the emotional dependency pattern closely enough to deserve an assessment; a low result does not guarantee that your relationship is healthy, especially if your partner is controlling or if you have normalised behaviour that hurts you.

Emotional dependency, toxic relationships and intimate partner violence

Emotional dependency is not the same as a toxic relationship, but the two often go hand in hand. A dependent person may have a respectful partner and still suffer because of their fear of abandonment; however, dependency is also the perfect ground for abusive relationships to thrive: the need for approval, idealisation and difficulty setting boundaries make it very hard to recognise abuse and, above all, to break free from it.

Some warning signs that the relationship goes beyond dependency:

• Your partner controls who you talk to, how you dress, what you do with your money or your phone.
• They have gradually isolated you from friends and family.
• They insult, humiliate or ridicule you, or make you feel everything is your fault.
• They threaten to leave you, to hurt themselves or to hurt you.
• You fear their reaction and weigh every word to avoid a conflict.

If you recognise these situations, you are not exaggerating and it is not "just a couple's problem". In Spain, 016 is a free, confidential helpline available 24 hours a day for victims of gender-based violence and the people around them; it leaves no trace on the phone bill (remember to delete the call from your phone's history) and also works via WhatsApp on 600 000 016. If you live elsewhere, your country will have an equivalent domestic abuse helpline. In an emergency, call 112 or your local emergency number. Asking for help does not mean you have to make any decision right now: it means you stop facing the problem alone.

Emotional dependency, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem

Emotional dependency rarely comes alone. Research consistently links it to symptoms of anxiety (constant worry, separation anxiety, hypervigilance to signs of rejection), to episodes of depression, especially after a break-up, and to low self-esteem, which is both a cause and a consequence of the pattern. Many people seek help for anxiety or low mood and only later discover that the root lies in how they experience their relationships.

It is also worth distinguishing it from other conditions that share some features:

• Dependent personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of submissiveness and need to be taken care of that extends to all relationships (family, friends, work), not just romantic ones. It requires a specific clinical assessment.
• Borderline personality traits: intense fear of abandonment is central here too, but it comes with marked emotional instability, impulsivity and relationships that swing between idealisation and devaluation.
• Grief after a break-up: suffering intensely after a separation is normal and does not imply dependency, unless the pattern repeats in every relationship.

Only a professional can tell these presentations apart. If your score is moderate or high, it may also be useful to complete the self-esteem, anxiety and depression tests for a fuller picture.

What to do after the test: how to overcome emotional dependency

If your result is moderate or high, the most effective step is to start psychotherapy. Emotional dependency responds very well to psychological treatment, and the work usually tackles several fronts at once:

• Self-esteem and identity: regaining a sense of your own worth, recognising your needs and rebuilding a meaningful life beyond the relationship.
• Attachment style: understanding where your fear of abandonment comes from and learning to soothe it without needing constant reassurance from the other person. Cognitive behavioural therapy, schema therapy and emotion-focused therapy have evidence in this field; where there are traumatic experiences, EMDR can help to process them.
• Boundaries and assertiveness: practising saying no, expressing disagreement and spotting the signs of an unequal relationship in time.
• Support network: rebuilding friendships and family ties that have been neglected, so that affection does not depend on a single person.
• Tolerating being alone: learning to be well on your own, an essential condition for choosing a partner rather than needing one.

If you are in a relationship that is hurting you, therapy will also help you prepare to leave it safely and to hold on to that decision. A psychologist specialised in relationships and attachment, such as the one we recommend at the end of the test, can accompany you through the whole process, including in online sessions.

The scientific basis of this emotional dependency test

The questions in this questionnaire were written from the model of emotional dependency described by Jorge Castelló (2005), a reference in Spanish clinical psychology, and from the structure of validated instruments such as the Emotional Dependency Questionnaire (CDE) by Lemos and Londoño (2006), the IRIDS-100 by Sirvent and Moral, and the adult attachment scales derived from Bowlby's theory and the work of Hazan and Shaver. The items are original and do not reproduce any of those instruments. The cut-off points are indicative and were set to maximise sensitivity, that is, to avoid leaving out people who could benefit from an assessment. The content has been reviewed by the MyPsicoTest team and is updated periodically in line with current clinical guidelines.

The 16 questions in this test

Think about how you usually feel and behave in your romantic relationships, current or past.

1. When I am in a relationship, the idea of my partner leaving me terrifies me, even at times when things are going well.
2. I would rather stay in a relationship that does not make me happy than be on my own.
3. If my partner takes a while to reply to a message or I do not know where they are, I get very anxious and start imagining the worst.
4. I get jealous easily: I have checked their phone or social media, or asked them over and over who they are with.
5. When a relationship ends I feel I fall apart, and I usually look for someone new straight away so I do not have to feel the emptiness.
6. I need to be in contact with my partner almost all day; spending a few days apart causes me distress that is hard to control.
7. I need my partner to tell me often that they love me and are not going to leave in order to feel at ease.
8. My mood depends almost entirely on how my partner treats me that day.
9. Without a partner I feel worthless or that my life has no meaning.
10. I idealise my partner: I think they are far better than me and I struggle to see their flaws, even when other people point them out.
11. If my partner is distant or not paying attention to me, I feel empty and do whatever it takes to win back their affection.
12. I set aside my plans, my friends or my hobbies to fit in with what my partner wants.
13. I find it extremely hard to say no to my partner or to say what bothers me, for fear they will get angry or pull away.
14. I have put up with contempt, lies or humiliation in a relationship because I did not feel able to leave it.
15. Even when I know a relationship is hurting me, I find it almost impossible to end it or to stick to the break-up.
16. I find it hard to make decisions, even small ones, without checking with my partner first or having their approval.

Answer scale: Not at all · Slightly · Somewhat · Mostly · Completely

If your result worries you or you want a professional assessment, you can talk to Xènia Capel Salcedo, a licensed psychologist (COPC reg. 14982), who offers a free first consultation call and online therapy from anywhere.

Reviewed by the MyPsicoTest team · Updated: 27 October 2026