At dinners you laugh at the right moment, but inside you are a step behind, as if everyone else knew rules nobody ever explained to you. What entertains everyone else bores you, and what fascinates you interests nobody. You have had the same feeling all your life: you never quite fit in.

Feeling different from others is more common than it seems, and it is not a diagnosis. Often it has to do with your surroundings or with a particular stage of life. But when it has been with you for as long as you can remember, there may be explanations worth knowing. This guide explains what may lie behind it, how to tell the causes apart, what to do with that feeling and which tests can help you get your bearings.

Why you feel different

Nothing has to be "wrong" for you to feel this way. Moving to another city or country, being the only person around you with certain ideas or tastes, or going through a stage such as adolescence or grief can leave you feeling out of place for a while.

That feeling often comes with loneliness. The World Health Organization defines loneliness as the painful feeling that arises from a gap between the social connections you want and the ones you have, and its Commission on Social Connection estimates that it affects 1 in 6 people worldwide. Among 13 to 29-year-olds, between 17% and 21% say they feel lonely, with the highest rates in adolescence.

Feeling different and feeling lonely are not the same: you can be surrounded by people and feel that nobody understands you, or spend a lot of time alone and be perfectly happy. What matters is whether the difference weighs on you.

Always or recently: the first clue

The question that helps most is how long it has been happening.

  • If it is recent, it usually has to do with what you are going through: a life change, a break-up, a stressful period or low mood that makes everything feel distant. In that case, the first step is to look at how you are doing, rather than to look for a label.
  • If it goes back as far as you can remember, to childhood, it is more likely to be about how you are and how you process the world. That is where giftedness, autism, high sensitivity or certain temperament traits come in. They are not illnesses, but they explain a lot.

What may lie behind feeling different

Giftedness

The Giftedness Test page lists the signs that come up most often in gifted adults: learning very quickly, connecting ideas from very different fields, intense curiosity, boredom with routine, great emotional intensity, a strong sense of justice, perfectionism and a lasting sense of being "different" or not fitting in.

Giftedness is not a disorder, but when nobody has identified it, it can bring difficulties: chronic boredom, anxiety, impostor syndrome or underachievement. As the same page explains, these difficulties are not part of giftedness itself but of the mismatch between the person and an environment that does not recognise them. In women it also tends to be spotted less often and later. We explain what an intelligence test really measures in IQ score: what it measures, what is normal and what a high IQ means.

Autism

Many autistic people diagnosed as adults say they felt different all their lives without knowing why. A study by Bargiela, Steward and Mandy interviewed 14 women aged 22 to 30 who were diagnosed in late adolescence or adulthood. They described years of "pretending to be normal" and explained how, because they were women, different professionals had missed their autism.

That effort has a name: camouflaging. In a study by Hull and colleagues with 92 autistic adults, the most common reason for camouflaging was to fit in and connect with others, and the consequences included exhaustion and a negative effect on how people saw themselves. We explain the signs in adults, and why so many find out late that they are autistic, in Asperger's in adults: signs, what it means today and which test to take.

Social anxiety

Sometimes the feeling is less about being different than about fearing that others will notice. In social anxiety, fear of being judged makes you monitor everything you say and do, and that constant monitoring makes you feel out of place even when nobody is looking. The NHS points out that it is more than shyness: it is a fear that does not go away and affects everyday life.

High sensitivity

Some people experience stimuli and emotions more intensely than most and feel different because of it. The highly sensitive person label is not a diagnosis, and it sometimes hides other things, such as social anxiety or autism. We look at what the research says in Highly sensitive person: what the evidence says and what may lie underneath.

Self-esteem

There is an important difference between feeling different and feeling less. If what you notice is that others are worth more than you, that you compare yourself and always come off worse, the problem may lie more in how you see yourself than in who you are.

Thoughtful young woman sitting alone at her table in a busy restaurant while people chat behind her, an image of feeling different among others

How to tell the causes apart

This table sums up the most useful clues:

What your sense of being different is like What may be behind it Which test can guide you
For as long as you can remember, with lots of curiosity, boredom with routine and emotional intensity Giftedness Giftedness Test
For as long as you can remember, relationships are hard work and drain you, with sensitivity to noise or light and a need for routine Autism Autism Test
You are afraid of being judged or seen as odd, and you avoid social situations Social anxiety Social Anxiety Test
You feel less than other people and constantly compare yourself Low self-esteem Self-Esteem Test
Recently, after a change or with low mood A difficult stage or a mood problem Talking to someone you trust or to a professional

These explanations do not rule each other out. The giftedness test page itself talks about twice-exceptionality, when giftedness comes together with ADHD or autism, a profile that is hard to spot because each part masks the other.

Is there a test to find out why you feel different?

There is no test for "feeling different", because it is not a diagnosis. The one that captures that feeling most directly is the MyPsicoTest giftedness test, which includes this statement: "For as long as I can remember I have felt 'different' or not quite fitting in, without knowing exactly why".

It has 20 statements that take about six minutes, which you answer according to how much you agree, thinking about how you have been throughout your life rather than in recent months. They fall into three areas:

  • Cognitive ability and learning: seven statements about how quickly you learn, your memory or abstract thinking.
  • Creativity and curiosity: seven about your interests, deeper questions, original solutions or boredom with routine.
  • Emotional intensity and sensitivity: six about the intensity of your emotions, sensitivity to stimuli, sense of justice or that feeling of being different.

The score runs from 0 to 80, with four guidance bands and a breakdown by area that shows whether your profile is more cognitive, more creative or more intense. The test does not measure IQ: as its own page explains, only a psychometric assessment with a standardised intelligence test, such as the WAIS-IV, can confirm giftedness. The result is calculated in your browser and your answers are not stored.

Other tests that may help

If camouflaging sounds familiar, the Autism (ASD) Test includes this statement: "In social situations I copy gestures, expressions or phrases I have observed in other people, and afterwards I feel drained, as if I had been acting". If fear of judgement is what weighs most, the Social Anxiety Test opens with this one: "I worry a lot that other people will notice I am nervous and think I am odd, weak or incompetent". And if you feel less than others, try the Self-Esteem Test. All the questionnaires, free and anonymous, are in the psychological tests catalogue.

What to do if you feel different

  • Look for your people, not for everyone. A hobby group, a book club or a community around what you love usually gives more sense of belonging than trying to fit in everywhere.
  • Be wary of instant labels. Social media is full of videos that turn any trait into a diagnosis. Treat them as clues, not answers.
  • If you suspect something specific, ask for an assessment. Giftedness is confirmed with a psychometric assessment, and autism with a diagnostic assessment by professionals experienced with adults.
  • If it weighs on you, talk about it. Therapy is not there to make you stop being who you are, but to stop the difference from hurting.

And one sign that cannot wait: if the feeling of not fitting in comes with thoughts of harming yourself, or thoughts that it would be better not to carry on, call the 024 line in Spain (free, confidential, around the clock), 112, or your local emergency number.

At the end of the test you will find our recommendation of a licensed psychologist who works with autism, ADHD and anxiety, also online.

If your result worries you or you want a professional assessment, you can talk to Xènia Capel Salcedo, a licensed psychologist (COPC reg. 14982), who offers a free first consultation call and online therapy from anywhere.

MyPsicoTest team · Updated: