# Therapy for emotional dependency: when to seek help and what therapy involves > You know the relationship is hurting you but cannot leave, or you jump from one partner to the next so as not to be alone. When to seek help for emotional dependency and what therapy involves. *https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/therapy-for-emotional-dependency/ · Published: 2026-10-08 · 8 min read · MyPsicoTest team* You have slept badly all week because your partner seems distant. You have cancelled dinner with your friends again in case they could see you. You keep telling yourself that this time things will change, although you have thought that many times before. You know something is wrong, people have told you so and you think it yourself at three in the morning. And yet the idea of it ending frightens you more than carrying on like this. If that sounds familiar, you may have thought about looking for **therapy for emotional dependency**. This guide explains what emotional dependency is and is not, when it is worth seeking help, what is worked on in therapy, what research says and how to choose a professional, especially if your relationship is hurting you. ## What is emotional dependency (and what it is not)? A team of Spanish researchers, including the psychologist Enrique Echeburúa, defined it in a [study published in Actas Españolas de Psiquiatría](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32920779/) as an excessive, permanent and dysfunctional emotional bond with a partner, linked to low self-esteem and masking a lack of affection. The same authors describe its consequences: symptoms of anxiety and depression, obsessive thoughts, sleep problems and giving up social relationships and leisure. In their sample they found no differences between men and women. **Emotional dependency** is not an official diagnosis. The closest one is dependent personality disorder, which the [MedlinePlus medical encyclopedia](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000941.htm) describes as relying too much on others to meet one's emotional and physical needs: avoiding being alone, fearing abandonment, struggling to make decisions without support or to express disagreement, and even putting up with abuse in order to keep a relationship. Not all emotional dependency goes that far. Nor is it the same as anxious attachment, although the two are related: anxious attachment is a way of bonding that many people have without it limiting their lives, and emotional dependency is its most extreme form. We explain this in [Anxious attachment: what it is, signs in relationships and how to tell if you have it](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/anxious-attachment/). ## When to see a psychologist about emotional dependency Loving and missing someone is not a problem. It is worth seeking help when: - You stay in a relationship that hurts you because you do not feel able to leave, or keep going back after breaking up. - You go from one relationship to the next so as not to be alone, with hardly any time in between. - Your mood depends almost entirely on how your partner treats you that day. - You have dropped friendships, hobbies or plans of your own to fit in with what the other person wants. - You find it very hard to say no or to say what bothers you. - Jealousy or fear of being left leads you to check their phone or demand explanations. If that happens to you, [Jealousy in relationships: when it is normal and when it becomes a problem](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/jealousy-in-relationships/) may help. - Anxiety, sadness, sleep problems or thoughts you cannot shake off start to appear. If you would like to put a number on it before your appointment, the [Emotional Dependency Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/emotional-dependency-test/) looks at fear of abandonment, need for approval and self-subordination in your relationships, and gives you a score and a breakdown by area. ### When there is also control or fear Emotional dependency makes it harder to recognise abuse and, above all, to get out of it. In a study of 3,203 university students in Ecuador, emotional dependency was linked to dating violence. If your partner controls you, humiliates you or frightens you, the problem is no longer just yours: we explain this in [Emotional abuse in relationships: signs, effects and how to get out](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/emotional-abuse-in-relationships/). If you are in danger, call **112** or your local emergency number. In Spain, the **016** helpline is free, confidential and available by phone at any time, and also on WhatsApp at 600 000 016. ## What is worked on in therapy for emotional dependency Therapy is not about someone telling you whether to stay with your partner. It is about understanding why you need the other person so much and getting back the ability to choose. These are the usual areas of work: ![Woman talking to her psychologist in a therapy session, sitting on the sofa and looking worried](https://mypsicotest.com/assets/img/blog-terapia-dependencia-emocional-1200.webp) ### Understanding where it comes from Fear of abandonment does not come out of nowhere. Therapy looks at your important relationships, in childhood and adult life, to understand what you learned about affection and about what you have to do so that people do not leave you. ### Learning to regulate emotions without reaching for the other person A study of 741 young people aged 18 to 30 found that the link between one type of insecure attachment, the avoidant type, and emotional dependency ran through difficulties in regulating emotions, especially the rejection of negative emotions. The authors recommended that programmes for emotional dependency work on tolerating distress. In practice, it means learning to settle your anxiety without needing an immediate response from your partner. We explain this in [Emotional regulation: what it is, why it sometimes fails and how it is learned](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/emotional-regulation/). ### Self-esteem and a life of your own If your sense of worth rests on how someone else sees you, any distance shakes it. That is why therapy works on self-esteem and on rebuilding a life with friends, hobbies and plans that do not depend on the relationship. ### Boundaries, assertiveness and being alone Practising saying no, expressing disagreement and learning to be comfortable with your own company. That is what makes it possible to choose a partner rather than need one. ## What research says about treatment There are few treatment studies focused on emotional dependency as it is understood in Spain: most of the research describes what it is linked to. But there is evidence about what keeps it going. On attachment, a systematic review by Taylor and colleagues found that after psychotherapy attachment anxiety went down and security went up, across different approaches and settings. When dependency is so intense that it counts as a personality disorder, there is an important trial. In a [study of 323 patients at twelve centres in the Netherlands](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24322378/), with cluster C personality disorders (which include dependent personality disorder) and others, 50 sessions of schema therapy led to more people recovering at three years than treatment as usual. There were also fewer dropouts, less depression and better functioning, although the differences showed up in clinical interviews and not in the questionnaires the patients filled in themselves. MedlinePlus, for its part, considers psychotherapy the most effective treatment for dependent personality disorder and notes that improvement usually comes with long-term therapy. ## How long therapy for emotional dependency takes It depends on how intense it is and what comes with it. Dependency that appears in one particular relationship is not the same as a pattern repeated for years across all your relationships, or one that comes with anxiety, depression or an abusive relationship. In the most intense cases, such as those in the schema therapy trial, we are talking about dozens of sessions. What matters is that the professional explains from the start what you will work on and how you will review progress. ## How to choose a psychologist for emotional dependency These checks help you choose well: - **Licensing and registration.** That comes first, whatever the approach. - **Experience with relationships and attachment.** Ask how they work with emotional dependency and fear of abandonment. - **They do not decide for you.** A good therapist helps you see clearly and decide; they do not tell you what to do about your relationship. - **Training in gender-based violence**, if there is control, humiliation or fear in your relationship. - **Attention to what comes with it**, such as anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. ## A psychologist for emotional dependency At MyPsicoTest we recommend [Xènia Capel Salcedo](https://psicologaigualada.es/en/therapist-psychologist-igualada/), a licensed clinical psychologist (COPC 14982) with a master's degree in Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. Emotional dependence is one of the services at her practice in Igualada and in her [online therapy](https://psicologaigualada.es/en/online-therapy-online-therapist/), which she describes as an intervention to overcome patterns of emotional dependence and build healthier, more balanced relationships. She also offers specialised care for victims of gender-based violence. She works from an integrative, evidence-based approach: on her website she explains that she uses tools from cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, systemic therapy and person-centred therapy. Sessions last about 60 minutes and are available in English, Spanish or Catalan, how long the process takes depends on each case, and the first contact is a free, no-commitment information session by phone. She herself points out that in a serious crisis or psychiatric emergency, immediate in-person care is what is needed. ## Frequently asked questions ### When should I see a psychologist about emotional dependency? When you stay in a relationship that hurts you because you do not feel able to leave, you go from partner to partner so as not to be alone, your mood depends on how your partner treats you or you have put your own life aside to fit in with theirs. If there is control, humiliation or fear, seek help as soon as possible. ### Can emotional dependency be overcome? Yes. Therapy works on what keeps it going, such as fear of abandonment, self-esteem or difficulty tolerating distress, and research shows that attachment anxiety decreases with psychotherapy. ### What therapy works for emotional dependency? Cognitive behavioural techniques are usually combined with work on attachment and emotion regulation. When dependency amounts to a personality disorder, a trial with 323 patients found good results with schema therapy. ### How long does therapy for emotional dependency take? It depends on the person. A pattern that has repeated for years or comes with anxiety, depression or abuse usually takes longer than dependency tied to one particular relationship. ### Is emotional dependency the same as anxious attachment? No. Anxious attachment is a way of bonding that many people have without it limiting their lives. Emotional dependency is its most extreme form, when the fear of losing the other person leads you to override your own needs and put up with things that hurt you. ### Is emotional dependency a disorder? It is not an official diagnosis. The closest one is dependent personality disorder, but not all emotional dependency goes that far. Even so, it can cause anxiety, depression and sleep problems. ### What do I do if my relationship hurts me but I cannot leave? Talk to someone you trust and seek professional help. If there is control, humiliation or fear, call 112 or your local emergency number in danger; in Spain, the 016 helpline is free and confidential.