# How to help someone with depression (and what to do if they refuse help) > You have watched someone fade for months and you do not know what to say without making it worse. What works, what does not, and what to do when they refuse help. *https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/help-someone-with-depression/ · Published: 2026-09-24 · 9 min read · MyPsicoTest team* You have watched someone fade for months. They stop making plans, they reply late or not at all, and when they do they apologise for being a burden. You swing between patience and frustration, and every time you open your mouth you have the feeling you are saying the wrong thing. **Helping someone with depression** is one of the hardest things to do well, mainly because intuition tends to fail: what anyone would consider encouraging is precisely what causes the most harm. This guide covers what works, what does not, how to raise the subject of getting help, and what to do when the answer is no. ## First, understand what you are up against Depression is not sadness. A sad person cries, lets it out and can be distracted for a while. In depression what often dominates is not sorrow but emptiness: nothing appeals, nothing gives pleasure, and that includes whatever used to. Nor is it a lack of willpower. The [UK's National Health Service](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/) lists among its symptoms loss of interest in things, persistent tiredness, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleep and appetite, and a sense of worthlessness or guilt that bears no relation to the facts. With that picture in place, "you need to snap out of it" is like asking someone with flu to run faster. And there is one detail that explains much of the misunderstanding: depression distorts perception. The person is not exaggerating when they say nothing can be fixed or that they are a burden; in that moment they genuinely believe it. Arguing them out of it rarely works, because the problem is not a lack of information. If you are unsure whether what you are seeing is depression or anxiety, or both, we break it down in [Anxiety or depression: how to tell them apart and what to do if you have both](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/anxiety-or-depression/). ## What actually helps ### Being there without trying to fix it This is the most counterintuitive and the most important. You do not need to say anything brilliant: listening without offering solutions, without minimising and without hunting for the silver lining is already far more than most people get. "I do not know what to say, but I am here" is worth more than any advice. ### Offering something concrete, not generic "Let me know if you need anything" puts all the initiative on the person with the least energy, so nobody ever calls. Concrete and dated works far better: "I'll come round on Thursday at seven and we'll go for a walk", "I'll bring dinner on Tuesday", "I'll come with you to do the shopping on Saturday". And make clear that saying no is allowed. ### Keep showing up even without a reply One effect of depression is isolation, and the people around tend to withdraw exactly when they are most needed, reading the silence as rejection. Sending a message without expecting an answer, every few days, sustains the connection without demanding anything. Many people say afterwards that those messages were what reminded them they still existed for someone. ### Help with the small things Tasks that look trivial — a phone call to the bank, a medical appointment, the laundry — can be mountains. Offering to take one of them off their hands, without a speech, removes real weight. ## What does not help, however kindly meant Almost everything that comes out spontaneously belongs on this list: - **"Cheer up", "get out more", "pull yourself together".** They assume it is a matter of deciding, and they confirm to the person that nobody understands. - **"Other people have it worse".** Adds guilt to a picture that already runs on excess guilt. - **"When I was going through a bad patch I did X".** What worked for you in a rough spell is not comparable, and it turns the conversation into something about you. - **Routine and productivity advice.** Getting up early, exercising and eating well genuinely help, but as a recommendation to someone who cannot get out of bed they sound like a reproach. They get offered alongside, not prescribed. - **Pushing them to go out.** Insisting on big social plans usually ends in cancellation and more guilt. Better to propose something short and low-cost: a twenty-minute walk. - **Getting angry at the lack of response.** It is understandable and it needs handling elsewhere, not with the person who is worse off. ## How to raise the subject of getting help This is the moment people most dread, and some ways of doing it work better than others. **Talk about what you see, not about what you think.** "Lately you seem to have no energy and I have noticed you are not sleeping" lands better than "I think you are depressed". Describing concrete behaviour stops it sounding like a label. **Ask instead of prescribing.** "Have you thought about talking to someone?" opens the door; "you need to see a psychologist" closes it. **Offer to remove the friction.** Much of the resistance is not ideological but logistical: not knowing where to start, having no energy to search, not wanting to go alone. Offering to look up numbers, book the appointment or walk them to the door solves more than any argument. If you do not know what to tell them about what to expect, [When to see a psychologist: signs, common doubts and what happens in the first session](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/when-to-see-a-psychologist/) covers what a first session looks like, and [Online psychologist: how to choose well and what to expect from video-call therapy](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/online-psychologist-how-to-choose/) lists the checks for choosing well if they would rather do it remotely. **Pick the moment and the format.** It is easier to talk about this while walking than sitting face to face, and mid-afternoon rather than at eleven at night. It sounds trivial and it changes the conversation considerably. **Suggest the smallest first step.** Booking with a GP is less intimidating than finding a psychologist, and it is also the gateway to the public system; we set out that route in [Seeing a psychologist on Spain's public health system: how it works](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/psychologist-public-health-spain/). ![Two friends walking together in a park, an easier setting for difficult conversations](https://mypsicotest.com/assets/img/blog-hablar-con-alguien-con-depresion-1200.webp) ## What to do if they refuse This is the most common and most frustrating situation, so let us be clear: **you cannot force an adult into therapy**, except in the situations of serious risk covered below. And pressure tends to backfire, because it turns the matter into a contest of wills. What does work: - **Leave the door open without repeating the lecture.** Mention it once and say that if one day they want to, you are there to help with the practicalities. Bringing it up weekly wears you both down. - **Plant the smallest possible first step.** Not "go and see a psychologist" but "book with your GP and tell them about the sleep". It is more manageable and often leads to the rest. - **Provide information without a sermon.** Leave a link or an article, no commentary. Let them read it when they want. - **Suggest they put a number on it.** Sometimes this works better than any conversation: an anonymous questionnaire answered in five minutes on a phone. The [Depression Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/depression-test/) or the [Anxiety Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/anxiety-test/) give a concrete score, and seeing a high result in black and white moves people more than ten conversations. They are in the [psychological tests](https://mypsicotest.com/en/psychological-tests/) catalogue, free, and nothing is stored. Whatever comes out can be taken to the doctor; [Mental health test: what it measures, which ones exist and how to read your result](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/mental-health-test/) explains how to read it. - **Speak to their GP yourself.** They cannot give you information because of confidentiality, but you can give them some. A forewarned professional handles the next appointment differently. ## Warning signs There is a point at which giving space stops being the right call. Be concerned if phrases appear about not wanting to go on, about everything being better without them, or if they start giving away things that mattered; if there is a sudden worsening; or — and this surprises people — if after weeks of being very low a strange calm appears, which sometimes follows a decision already taken. That is when you ask directly. **Asking about suicide does not plant the idea or increase the risk**: it is a widespread belief that reviews of the evidence do not support. What it usually produces is relief, because at last someone has dared to name it. Ask plainly and without judgement: "have you thought about ending your life?". If the answer is yes, do not leave the person alone and seek help that same day. In Spain there is the 024 helpline run by the [Ministry of Health](https://www.sanidad.gob.es/linea024/home.htm), free, confidential and available 24 hours a day, which also supports family and friends. And 112 if there is immediate danger. The [US National Institute of Mental Health](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention) has general information on warning signs and what to do. Elsewhere, contact your local emergency services. ## Looking after yourself too This part always gets left out and it is the one that breaks most situations. Supporting someone with depression for months is draining: constant worry, a sense of helplessness, guilt about getting angry, your own isolation because you no longer go out. Three things help. **Setting boundaries without guilt.** You can be there without being available twenty-four hours a day. "Not today, but tomorrow" is sustainable; saying yes to everything until you collapse is not. **Not becoming their therapist.** Your role is the relationship, not the treatment. Trying to do both damages the first. **Looking at yourself.** If you have been doing this for months, your own level of depletion is probably high. The [Stress Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/stress-test/) and the [Burnout Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/burnout-test/) let you see it in numbers rather than through the feeling that you are overreacting. And if what you notice is that you too have stopped enjoying things, the [Depression Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/depression-test/) applies to you as well. Talking it over with someone — a friend, a family support group, a professional — is not disloyalty. It is what allows you to keep showing up. ## Frequently asked questions ### What do I say to someone with depression? Less than you think. "I am here", "you do not have to talk if you do not want to" or "does Thursday work for me to come round?" work better than any advice. What helps is sustained presence and concrete offers, not words of encouragement. ### How do I convince someone to see a psychologist? You do not convince, you accompany. Talk about what you actually see — sleep, energy, things they have stopped doing — ask rather than prescribe, and offer to take on the logistics: finding the number, booking the appointment, going with them. Suggesting the GP first is usually more manageable than suggesting a psychologist. ### What if they refuse to get help? An adult cannot be forced, except where there is serious risk. Leave the door open without raising it every week, propose the smallest possible step and provide information without a sermon. You can also speak to their GP yourself to give context, even though they cannot give you any. ### Is it dangerous to ask whether they are thinking about suicide? No. It is a widespread belief that the available evidence does not support: asking directly neither plants the idea nor increases the risk, and it often brings relief. Ask plainly and without judgement, and if the answer is yes, do not leave them alone and seek help that same day. ### How do I know whether I am helping or getting in the way? If you respect their pace, do not push and keep showing up, you are helping even when it does not look like it. The sign something is off is conversations ending in reproach, or you ending up exhausted and resentful; at that point the level of involvement needs adjusting, not abandoning. ### Can an online test help them take the step? Often, yes. Answering a screening questionnaire is anonymous, quick and less intimidating than booking an appointment, and seeing a high score tends to move people more than a conversation does. It does not replace a diagnosis, but it gives a concrete reason to seek help and something tangible to take to the doctor.