# Anxious attachment: what it is, signs in relationships and how to tell if you have it > One unanswered message and you already fear the worst. What anxious attachment is, where it comes from, how it shows in relationships, whether it can change and which test can help you see it more clearly. *https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/anxious-attachment/ · Published: 2026-10-02 · 9 min read · MyPsicoTest team* You message them at ten, and by twelve there is still no reply. You can see they have been online. You go back over your last conversation looking for what you said wrong, type a message, delete it, type another. When a "sorry, I was busy" finally arrives, the relief lasts a while. Until next time. If you recognise yourself in that scene, you have probably come across the term **anxious attachment**. It is used a lot on social media, and not always accurately. This guide explains what research says about anxious attachment, where it comes from, how it shows in relationships, how it differs from avoidant and secure attachment, whether it can change and which test can help you see your own situation more clearly. ## What is anxious attachment? Attachment theory was born to explain the bond between babies and the people who care for them. The psychiatrist John Bowlby proposed that we are born with a system that pushes us to seek closeness to important people when we are struggling. If those people are available and respond, a stable sense of security develops. If they are not reliably there, seeking them out does not ease the distress, and the risk of emotional problems later on increases. In 1987, Hazan and Shaver [applied this idea to romantic love](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3572722/). They started from the three styles described in infancy (secure, avoidant and anxious/ambivalent) and, in two questionnaire studies, found that they appeared in roughly similar proportions in adults and that each style went with a different way of experiencing love. Today, research no longer sorts people into three boxes. According to a [review by Mikulincer and Shaver](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3266769/) published in *World Psychiatry*, adult attachment is measured along two independent dimensions: - **Attachment anxiety:** how much you worry that your partner will not be available or responsive when you need them. - **Attachment avoidance:** how much you distrust your partner's goodwill and try to keep your independence and emotional distance. People who score low on both are generally secure. Having **anxious attachment** therefore means scoring high on the first. It is not a diagnosis or a disorder: it is a way of relating to others that many people have to a greater or lesser degree. ### Where anxious attachment comes from Mikulincer and Shaver explain that this pattern develops in relationships in which the attachment figure is sometimes responsive but not reliably so. That intermittent response works like an irregular reward: because persisting sometimes pays off, you learn to persist more. Hence the feeling of always being on alert. But childhood does not decide everything. Bowlby himself argued that important relationships in adolescence and adulthood can move a person from one style to another, and research shows that attachment changes, sometimes subtly and sometimes dramatically, depending on context, recent experiences and current relationships. A meta-analysis by Pinquart, Feussner and Ahnert, covering 127 papers and more than 21,000 assessed attachments, found only moderate stability in attachment security from infancy to early adulthood, and no significant stability over intervals longer than 15 years. What you went through as a child matters, but it is not destiny. Nor does it help to look for someone to blame: Mikulincer and Shaver point out that temperament, life history and many other factors also play a part in mental health. ## Signs of anxious attachment in a relationship Mikulincer and Shaver describe the typical reactions of attachment anxiety as "hyperactivating" strategies: energetic attempts to achieve closeness, support and love, combined with little confidence that they will come and with resentment or anger when they do not. In everyday life, the **signs of anxious attachment** tend to look like this: - You often worry that your partner will stop loving you or leave, even when the relationship is going well. - You need them to confirm that they love you, and the reassurance does not last long. - You read a silence, a change of tone or a short reply as a sign of rejection. - When they feel distant, you push: messages in a row, calls, questions. - If you do not get the response you need, reproaches or anger follow. - Your mood and self-esteem rise and fall depending on how they treat you. - Your worries grow the more you think about them. Reacting like this now and then is human, especially at the start of a relationship or during a rough patch. What defines anxious attachment is that it is your usual way of experiencing closeness. ## Anxious, avoidant and secure attachment: the differences The two dimensions lead to very different reactions when a relationship seems under threat. This table sums up what Mikulincer and Shaver describe: | | Secure attachment | Anxious attachment | Avoidant attachment | |---|---|---|---| | What they expect from a partner | That they will be there when needed | Fear that they will not be available or responsive | Distrust of their goodwill | | What they do when they feel threatened | Seek support and recover from distress faster | Step up the search for closeness, with anger if it does not come | Withdraw, deny their needs and avoid depending on anyone | | How they experience intimacy | Comfortably | They need it and fear losing it | It makes them uncomfortable and they prefer distance | Because the dimensions are independent, some people also score high on both at once: they want closeness and, at the same time, distrust it. ### When anxious meets avoidant On paper, it is easy to see why these couples get stuck. The more one person seeks closeness, the more distance the other puts in, and every retreat triggers even more pursuit. There are no heroes or villains in that loop: just two ways of protecting yourself that clash. ## Anxious attachment and emotional dependency They are not the same, although they are related. Anxious attachment is a way of relating that many people have without it limiting their lives. **Emotional dependency** is its most extreme version: it appears when the fear of losing the other person leads you to override your own needs and put up with relationships that hurt you. Mikulincer and Shaver note that attachment anxiety is associated with dependent personality disorder, among others, and that attachment insecurity often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety. One important distinction: if your relationship involves control, humiliation or fear, the problem is no longer your attachment style. We explain this in [Emotional abuse in relationships: signs, effects and how to get out](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/emotional-abuse-in-relationships/). ## Is there an anxious attachment test? In research, attachment anxiety and avoidance are measured with questionnaires such as the Experiences in Close Relationships (ECR) scales by Brennan, Clark and Shaver and their revised version, the ECR-R, which Fraley, Waller and Brennan presented in 2000. They are questionnaires designed for research. MyPsicoTest does not have an attachment style test, and we are not going to pretend otherwise. What we do have is the [Emotional Dependency Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/emotional-dependency-test/), which focuses on exactly the area where anxious attachment causes most trouble: romantic relationships. It has 16 statements about how you usually feel and behave in your relationships, current or past, which you answer in about five minutes according to how much you agree. They are grouped into three areas: - **Fear of abandonment and loneliness:** the area closest to attachment anxiety. The test itself says that a high score here points to anxious attachment and separation anxiety. - **Need for approval and attention:** whether your self-esteem rests on your partner's gaze. - **Self-subordination and boundaries:** whether you set your needs aside so as not to lose the relationship. The score ranges from 0 to 64 and falls into four bands, and the breakdown by area matters as much as the total. You do not need to sign up, and your answers are not sent to any server. A high result does not give you a label: it tells you that the way you relate to others is close enough to the emotional dependency pattern to be worth an assessment. ### Other tests that complete the picture Because attachment anxiety is closely linked to unstable self-esteem, the [Self-Esteem Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/self-esteem-test/) will help you see how you value yourself outside the relationship. And if worry also follows you at work or about your health, the [Anxiety Test](https://mypsicotest.com/en/anxiety-test/) can show whether there is more going on than the fear of losing someone. All the questionnaires, free and anonymous, are in the [psychological tests](https://mypsicotest.com/en/psychological-tests/) catalogue. ## Can anxious attachment change? Yes, and there is evidence for it. A [systematic review by Taylor and colleagues](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24559454/) looked at how adult attachment changed during psychological therapy: after therapy, attachment security increased and attachment anxiety decreased, across different therapeutic approaches and settings; for avoidance, the findings were less clear. The authors call for more controlled trials, but the trend is consistent. Mikulincer and Shaver add that there is preliminary evidence that the sense of security a therapist provides contributes to improvement. ![Couple holding hands and talking calmly on a café terrace, a way of asking for closeness without the distress of anxious attachment](https://mypsicotest.com/assets/img/blog-pareja-hablando-apego-ansioso-1200.webp) In the meantime, some things help day to day: - **Name it.** When the alarm goes off ("they're not replying, something's wrong"), tell yourself it is your attachment anxiety. It does not switch it off, but it gives you a few seconds before you act. - **Wait before the third message.** Hyperactivation pushes you to persist; waiting a while and doing something else can take the edge off. If you find this very hard, we explain how to learn to manage that impulse in [Emotional regulation: what it is, why it sometimes fails and how it is learned](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/emotional-regulation/). - **Ask directly for what you need.** "It reassures me when you let me know you'll be late" works better than a string of reproaches. - **Have a life that does not depend on one person.** Friends, hobbies and plans of your own spread the emotional load. - **Notice which relationships make you feel secure.** Important relationships in adult life can shift your attachment style, in one direction or the other. If you have just been through a breakup, it is normal for all of this to flare up; we cover it in [Getting over a breakup: why it hurts so much and what actually helps](https://mypsicotest.com/en/blog/getting-over-a-breakup/). And if anxious attachment is costing you relationships, sleep or peace of mind, therapy is the route with the most support behind it. At the end of the test you will find our recommendation of a licensed psychologist who works on emotional dependency, online too. ## Frequently asked questions ### What is anxious attachment? It is a way of relating to others marked by the fear that your partner will not be available or will stop loving you. It shows up as a need for reassurance, alertness to any sign of rejection and pushing to get closeness back. It is not a disorder but an attachment style. ### How do I know if I have anxious attachment? If you often fear your partner will leave even when everything is fine, need them to confirm they love you and experience every silence as rejection, you probably score high on attachment anxiety. A questionnaire can point you in the right direction, but it is no substitute for a professional assessment. ### What is the difference between anxious and avoidant attachment? When afraid of losing the other person, anxious attachment steps up the search for closeness, while avoidant attachment withdraws and avoids depending on anyone. The first fears abandonment; the second distrusts intimacy. ### Is anxious attachment the same as emotional dependency? No. Anxious attachment is a way of relating that many people have without it limiting their lives. Emotional dependency is its most extreme form, when that fear leads you to override your needs and tolerate relationships that hurt you. ### Can anxious attachment change? Yes. Relationships in adult life can change attachment style, and a review of studies found that attachment anxiety decreases and security increases after psychological therapy. ### Where does anxious attachment come from? It usually develops in early relationships where care was unpredictable, sometimes there and sometimes not. But it is not destiny: later experiences and relationships also shape it, and other factors such as temperament play a part. ### Is there a reliable anxious attachment test? Research uses questionnaires such as the ECR-R, which measure attachment anxiety and avoidance. At MyPsicoTest, the emotional dependency test includes a fear of abandonment area, the closest to attachment anxiety, and helps you decide whether it is worth seeking advice.